(With Apologies to George Carlin)
Internists shriek "What should we Do?" Surgeons ask "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?!" (But only to themselves, Indecision is a sign of weakness)
Hypotension? Internists order nurse to increase IV fluid rate from 50cc/hr to 55cc/hr. Surgeons Crossclamp the Aorta.
Internists know the 24 possible causes of Low Urine Output in Polymyalgia Rheumatica, Surgeons figure out its because the Foley is clamped.
Internist spends 10 minutes securing a central line, it still falls out. Surgeon cracks a chest, repairs bullethole in the Left Ventricle, and closes in 5 minutes, sutures don't come out.
Can't Intubate? Internist calls Anesthesia, but only after administering long acting muscle relaxant to make it more challenging. Surgeon does bedside tracheotomy.
Fever? Internists Order the Nurse to draw 3 sets of Blood Cultures, CBC, add 2 more antibiotics, and consult Infectious Disease Specialist. Surgeon knows its probably atelectasis.
Pancreatic Cancer?Internists Administer highly toxic chemicals, patient lives 3 months. Surgeons cut out pancreatic mass, Gallbladder, Duodenum, 1/2 of Stomach, patient lives 3 months, but keeps his great head of hair.
Internists shriek "What should we Do?" Surgeons ask "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?!" (But only to themselves, Indecision is a sign of weakness)
Hypotension? Internists order nurse to increase IV fluid rate from 50cc/hr to 55cc/hr. Surgeons Crossclamp the Aorta.
Internists know the 24 possible causes of Low Urine Output in Polymyalgia Rheumatica, Surgeons figure out its because the Foley is clamped.
Internist spends 10 minutes securing a central line, it still falls out. Surgeon cracks a chest, repairs bullethole in the Left Ventricle, and closes in 5 minutes, sutures don't come out.
Can't Intubate? Internist calls Anesthesia, but only after administering long acting muscle relaxant to make it more challenging. Surgeon does bedside tracheotomy.
Fever? Internists Order the Nurse to draw 3 sets of Blood Cultures, CBC, add 2 more antibiotics, and consult Infectious Disease Specialist. Surgeon knows its probably atelectasis.
Pancreatic Cancer?Internists Administer highly toxic chemicals, patient lives 3 months. Surgeons cut out pancreatic mass, Gallbladder, Duodenum, 1/2 of Stomach, patient lives 3 months, but keeps his great head of hair.
Internists know its an artery cause its red in the anatomy book. Surgeon knows its an artery cause its squirting across the room at 150mm Hg of pressure.
Diabetes? Internists endlessly adjust multiple oral hypoglycemic agents, Long and Short acting Insulins, counsel patient on diet/exercise/. Surgeons use sliding scale from 1962.
Internists remember that case of PsuedoPsuedoHyperparathyroidism they diagnosed as an Intern. Surgeons remember that Respiratory Tech student with the big tits they fucked as an Intern.
Surgeons think this is funny, Internists get Panties in Wad.
13 comments:
Yah I hope Lofty doesn't read it.
I've always been told that when surgeon cuts in the wrong place he never says "Ooops". Instead he says, "THERE"! and carries on.
The woman with the big tits I screwed as an intern was a dialysis nurse. It was 30 years ago and I remember every detail.
Oh and I'm an internist.
lofty would agree... he's not this kind of internist though this rings so true.
frank, where are we car crash docs in this scheme?? i'd rather be closer to the surgeon side.
OK, Drackman. Damn you.
Actually, sounds like each doc does what he was TAUGHT to do.
Reminds me of this joke:
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The family practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the internist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
Your post doesn't bother THIS internist, 'cause I KNOW I'm fucking good!
lofty,
don't break your arm patting yourself on the back dude. i know that particular arm gets a hell of a daily workout anyway... you look like a lopsided popeye for crying out loud. give it a rest.
I'm with Lofty. Funny post -- especially the sliding scale from 1962.
Only one question: if surgeons know all these things, why are surgical residents so willing to admit all their operative cases to medicine as the primary team?
Gives them more time to bang that Respiratory Technician Student.
Surgeons save lives.
Internists save articles.
(Probably obsolete in this wired world).
funny.
when would a surgeon fail to intubate?? just not realistic.
stalwart, your surgeons are not from around here.
Maybe when someones jaw is wired shut and someone 5 fingered the bedside wire cutters? Laryngoscopes busted. Guys just a fuckup. It happens.
Niice. Surgeons accept that they are crap at some things. It is not important to know the answer, it is only important to fix it!
This all makes me wish I had been encouraged to go to medical school. My male first cousin went to Emory University and made a career as a cardiologist.
Instead, I ended up in broadcasting production and performance -- which, as pretty much everyone knows -- is a hotbed of sex.
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