Skull-Drudgery

Note, this is written after a 24 hr shift, and is meant as a satirical commentary on Sleep Deprivation and not an Endorsement of Dissecting Rats or Cramming Human Skulls into Christmas Stockings.

Whats harder to get in todays America than a straight answer out of Barak (Peace be upon Him) Obama???
Whats this World comin too when I can order Vietnamese/Mexican Fusion delivery (In Georgia!!) at 2am but can't find a decent Scientific Supply store on Al Gores entire Information Super Highway????

And don't tell me about Carolina Biological Supply... I've been a CBS customer since the late 60's when I dissected my first Rat.

Needed a Dissecting Manual, had plenty of Rats already, although my Mom's Cat "Tommy" got pissed when I'd steal em...

Anyway, it all started when Daughter #2 was admiring the Human Skull I have sitting on my Desk next to my Little League trophy from 1974(Yeah, its one of those "Everyone gets a Trophy Trophies" so blow me) and thats the cool thing about Real Human Skulls, they all have a story, because how else do you end up on some guys desk next to a Little League Trophy and what happened to the other 184 bones?? (give or take a Sesamoid or 2)??? "Curly's " got a story, too bad he's a skull and can't talk. Cue the Flashback Music.....

December 24th, 1972, Dad was still over in Vietnam droppin Napalm on the Gooks, I mean flying B-52 Deltas, when me and my sister got to open our traditional Christmas Eve Presents... Thats right, a Drackman Family Tradition shared by only about 80 million other American Families, and yeah, we celebrated Christmas, eventhough my Mom was Jewish, cause my Dad was Baptist, and anyway, you ever try findin a Menorah in friggin South Dakota??? You'd have better luck findin a Human Skull, which is what I found in my Christmas Stocking...
OK, it would have been cooler, if Dad had brought home a Human Skull, that he'd had hidden up his Ass while he was held prisoner in the Hanoi Hilton, like that "Gold Watch"scene from Pulp Fiction, but hey, lifes not a Movie, except for that one time in 1987, and that was more like a Porno movie ...

Well, sort of Under my Christmas Stocking, its sort of hard to fit a Human Skull IN a Christmas Stocking, which you'd know, if you ever tried fitting a Human Skull in a Christmas Stocking, but a Regular Human Stocking will go over a Human Skull just fine, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

Thats right, instead of the usual Silly Putty, or the joke "Snake in a Jar" that I still fall for to this day, I was the proud owner of a Real Human Skull, and you can tell a Real Human Skull from one of those Fake Human Skulls, because of the chunks of flesh, I mean Muscular Insertions and if you do a DNA Polymerase Chain Reaction on a Fake Human Skull you'll find out its Parents were a bowl of Plaster of Paris...
And where did my Mom get a Real Human Skull? You might ask...How the hell do I know, Santa Claus brought him, heck the North Pole was just a few counties away...

And it was a few years later, I mean a few years ago, when Mom told me the truth about Santa Claus, and that "Curly" wasn't really made by little Elves with a penchant for grave robbing...

She got him from some weathered and grizzled GP who was retiring from practice because of the shitty reimbursements from that New Fangled Medicare, and cause he was 87 years old.

OK, I'd like to think Mom won him in some late night Poker game instead of using her feminine charms on some old geezer.
Me and "Curly" have been through a lot in the last 36 years, including a contentious 6th Grade Show and Tell which resulted in a little Home Schooling, and 8 weeks in a Mobile Pawnshop when I was a little down on my luck in the 80's.. and you ain't seen nuthin till your down on a muffin, oops, wrong 80's flashback...

So I told Daughter #2, she's gotta Earn her skull like I did, respect it, and not just use him as a cheap prop for Show and Tell...

Hmm. Home Schooling would free up about $35K though....

Mr. Curly, I think you might be gettin a transfer....

RIP UGA VII 2005-2009

And Crack Cocaine claims another victim...Sad day in the Drackman house...UGA VII, thats the University of Jaw Jaw's English Bulldog mascot for you Commie-Pinko-Yankee-Homos from above the Mason & Dixon Line, passed yesterday of a heart attack at the young age of 4. Thats 28 to you and me

Poor Guy, not even on the job 2 years yet, thats 14 in Human Years.

HEY.... Maybe if the Republicans sneak a rider into the America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009, requiring President Obama's(Peace be upon Him) term to be measured in Doggie Years, I mean, his ears do sorta look like a Basset Hounds.. Heck, he'll be back in Chicago before he gets a chance to let all the Terrorists out of Git-Mo

Tragically cut down in the Sweet Bird of Youth, UGA VII still had Places to Go, Things to See, Opposing Players Legs to Piss on...

OK, I'm sort of a Conspiracy Theory kind of guy, but I wanta know what the Soon to be UGAVIII was doin yesterday morning... wouldn't be the first time an impatient prince murdered his father... mmm yeah, been watching Gladiator again...At my signal, unleash Hell...

And what kind of God lets monsters like Mahomoud Ahmanidejad (spelled that from memory:), Nidal Hasan, Fidel Castro, Ted Kennedy, Michael Vick stalk the earth while takin a cute little puppy??

OK, you finally got around to Senator Kennedy, say hi to Mary Jo for me..

Umm you tell me, guess the Big Guy needed a Dog.

But couldn't He just make one and leave ours alone?

Hey God, Frank here, do me a favor, leave the next UGA alone, and while youre at it, throw a few lightning bolts at KSM when you get the chance...

Or maybe some Cancer, I don't know, Lou Gehrigs Disease, Alzheimers, surprise me.

I mean surprise KSM, or Mahmoud Ahmanidejad, or Castro, or Michael Vick.

I got Places to Go, Things to Do, Balls to Scratch...

Later, Frank

"Going Rouge" Review Part 2

The Time: October 2013

The Place: National Security Council Underground Bunker, Greenbriar, West Virginia

Situation: Al-Kaida, led by Khalid Sheik Mohammed, pardoned by former President Obama (Peace be upon Him) on his last day in Office, has attacked America with a combination of Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Weapons. Anthrax, Ebola, Plague, and Genital Warts afflict those unlucky enough to survive the initial onslaught. As the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff drones on about the dwindling stores of Food, Water, Antibiotics and MOPP gear, President Palin interrupts him in mid sentence.

All eyes turn to the Presidents Medical Advisor for Counterterrorism, a quiet man, wearing his trademark U.S. Navy issue aviator sunglasses. Few have heard him speak, as he spends every meeting doodling on a yellow legal pad. Those who have the nerve to glance out of the side of their eyes report a curious mix of chemical structural diagrams and German proverbs, all written in a lefthanded reverse cursive script like Leonardo DaVinci used in the 15th Century.

President Palin looks into the mirrored lenses, a sexual tension runs through the room, finally in her Upper Midwest with just a touch of Minna-Sod-aa twanged but still hot voice, she asks

"We haven't heard from YOU yet, Dr. Drackman"

"Ja Wohl, mein Fraulein, I mean, Excuse me, Madame President......I have a Plan...................

Under the table, President Palin seductively runs her stockinged foot slowy up Dr. Drackmans Gastrocnemius...

And then I woke up.

OK, haven't got past page 15 of Going Rouge, but that hasn't stopped any of the Marxist Stream Media talking heads from blathering on about it, so lets go to the Video Tape, I mean Quotes.

"When God gives you AIDS, and God DOES give you AIDS by Golly, make LEMON-AIDS!!" Page 27

"I was licking Grape Jelly off of Todd's Penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, OhMyGod, I'm turning into my Mother!!!!" Page 44

"He's like trying to tell me its "Natural" and I'm like, "Umm first of all, Doody comes out of there, OK? and second of all, FRIGGIN DOODY comes out of there, the Rectums's an Exit, not an Entrance" Page 276

"Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine, and in the 80's he made the Statue of Liberty dissapear" page, oh wait this is Sarah SILVERMAN.....

the Bunker shakes as another explosion shortens the CPE to mere meters, a moist, electric stench is detectable, the tell tale sign that an Incindiary Fuel Air Explosive has depleted the ambient oxygen, a feeling of panic hangs over the room like an especially pungent SBD

"Meine Fuhrerin, es ware moglich, excuse me, It would be Possible to preserve a nucleus of the Human Race in some of our deeper Mineshafts................

END

Book Review: "Going Rouge" (First 14 pages anyway)

Make all the Bimbo jokes you want Chris Matthews, you'll be the one getting the AKA when the Pubic Option takes over...
Won't be any Cankles in a Palin Administration...unless she feels sorry for Hilary Clinton and appoints her ambasador to Saudi Arabia just to get her out of the Country....

the Money Quote....

"There are White Folks, and then there are ignorant Motherfuckers like You"

Oh, excuse me, wait a minute, did I break your train of thought? that's from The President's (Peace be upon him) book, Wet Dreams of my Father, and My Dad used to say pretty much the same thing, except he said "Dumbasses" instead of "White Folks", and "Stupid" instead of "Ignorant" cause "Ignorant" just means you aren't educated, while "Stupid" means you've been to Harvard or Yale, and you still dont know the difference between a Tangent and a Cotangent, or that giving Islamic Terrorists a public stage walking distance from where nearly 3,000 Americans were murdered in cold blood isn't a good idea, and he said it to Me, not whoever the madeup character in Hussein's book is supposed to be talkin to, cause really, who says "White Folks"in real life?? And my Dad didn't say Motherfucker, except when he hit his thumb with a hammer, and then it was just as an Epithet, directed at the general concept that smashing your thumb with a hammer sucks, and not at a specific individual, and back in the early 1970's the only people who said Motherfucker on a regular basis were African Americans and not Caucasian 14 year old girls like today.

The real Palin Money Quote, and OK, its not that great but I've only read the first 12 pages...

"Fucking Men like you built the Hydrogen Bomb, Men like you thought it up, You think your so "Creative", You don't know what its really like to create something, to create a life, to feel it growing inside you, all you know how to create is death and gigantic government agencies"
Oh wait, that was Sarah Conner (Terminator 2, 1991, TriStar Pictures)

"Mother Nature Showed her might and reminded us that she always wins"

Ok, sort of banal, and I know she'd really like to use the Terminator 2 quote, but then she'd get crucified for plagarizing like our Idiot Vice President, but at least she didn't insult a whole race of people, the race that conquered the Western Hemisphere, cured Smallpox, invented Nuclear Weapons, but she doesn't even use the M-Eff word like shes a fuckin character out of Pulp Fiction.

OK, I'm a Republican, and I'll check the Republican Box, even if Bonzo the Chimpanzee is running, cause at least Bonzo would throw his feces at the Jap Emperor and bite off his face, instead of bowing like a friggin Puppet, and when it comes to Sarahs I'm more of a Sarah Conner fan, cause when the T-1000 comes Back from the Future to kill the only remaining hope of the human race, I want a chick who's qualified with a Flamethrower...

Frankies Book of the Month Selection: "Going Rogue"

Well this is one Right-Wing-Lefthanded-Jewish-Fundamentalist-

Zionist-German-Redneck-Teabagger you won't find in line at Barnes & Nobles today..

Ummm, cause I already got My, I mean Mrs. D's/Daughters copy yesterday... How? you ask, lets just say bein a Doctor, I mean a Preferred Reader has it's advantages...

And if you were at the Mall of Georgia yesterday and thought you saw a guy wearing Raybans sticking a Sales Associate in the back with a needle, you did, its called a Trigger Point Injection, and some people can't afford to take 3 hours off to go to a fancy Board Certified doctor, most of whom (who?) don't even believe Fibromyalgias a real disease no matter how many Diagnostic Criteria the American Academy of Rheumatology comes up with.

And I dont care what the Marxist Stream Media says, I think the 46th President of the United States will wear heels, and I'm not talkin' bout Barney Frank, Willis...

I mean, Nancy Pelosi, although she's right in line behind that mongoloid Joe Biden...

Yeah, I said Mongoloid, and thats bein charitable, cause at least then he'd have an excuse for bein such a friggin Retard.

And I've got nothin against Mongoloids, was best friends with one growin up, till he won all my allowance money playin Risk (Why do I always repeat Napoleons fatal error of launchin a winter offensive in Russia???)

OK, I don't Know the Vice Presidents packin an extra 21st Chromosome, but most of those annoying freaks who wander up and down AMTRACK trains have a little Non-Disjunction in their history...

And anyway, the Vice Presidents a Dude, and its OK to make fun of Dudes, especially if Youre a Dude, and the Dude's got a slimy smile, faker hair than Dolly Partons Fun Bags, and more Malapropisms than George W. Bush in his drinkin days...

or sober days for that matter...

Gotta go, I've got 12pm-3pm

Great Men of Medicine: Frederick Foley

Did my Advance Directive a few years ago...pretty simple actually, cause I want every damn Heroic measure they got... Ventilator, Dialysis, Pressors, Anti-depressors, ExtraCorporealMembraneOxygenation, which I don't even really know what it is, but I just like saying "ExtraCorporealMembraneOxygenation".Cause I'm not so sure I'm goin to the Good Place, Knowati'msayin????
But there's one Therapeutic Modality I absolutely refuse, although in reality, they'll do whatever the eff they want to you...and I'd have it tatooed on my Man's Pubis if I didn't hate needles...

NO FOLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which gets us to.....hows that for a Transition?

OK, not quite as glamorous as Billy "The Nose" Ganz's PA Catheter, but made billions more in Royalty checks...

Or So You'd Think.....

Born 1891 in St. Cloud Minna-Soda, Frederic Eugene Basil Foley, and you know with a name like that he knew how to Fight, started out as a language major at Yale, teaching English to hard scrabble Italian and Irish immigrants, and it wasn't "English as a Second Language" back then, cause even after you learned English you had to lose your accent if you didn't want to join the Mafia or be a Cop. Freddy got his M.D. from Johns Hopkins, and why isn't it "John" Hopkins? in 1918, and then did 2 years of General Surgery Training under William Halsted, that dude who invented the Radical Mastectomy, because why just cut off a Breast when you can take the Pecs and lymph nodes too? 2 years of Neurosurgical training under Legendary Harvey Cushing followed, when for some reason Freddy "Fumble Fingers" Foley decided to focus on The most important Male Organ.

Eventhough there's no record he had any formal training in Urology, he was Board Certified in 1937, cause thats the way things worked back then, and along with the other 4 or 5 Urologists he began work on a self retaining urinary catheter, cause you can't really be a specialty if you don't have a Catheter or Tube to stick in your special Organ. And Fast Freddy wasn't quite fast enough, cause in June 1936, Paul Raiche of the Davol Rubber Company (you can't make this stuff up) got a Patent for His Catheter, and it took an appeal to the U.S. Patent Office for Dr. Foley to get his version recognized as the first one, and even though Raiche won in the end, by that time the Baloon had already gone up, and the rest as they say is His-Straw....

And somehow, "Stick a "Raiche" in him'" just doesn't sound right.

Not content with Fame, no matter how dubious, Dr. Foley also developed a Hydraulic Table, an artificial Sphincter, an inflatable pneumatic cuff that surrounded the Urethra, that had no medical application whatsoever, but greatly enhances the Male Sexual ummm Physiology.

In his later years, he promoted a rotatable Resectoscope, that while ingenious, was the Betamax of Resectoscopes and was a bigger failure than the Obama Economic Stimulus Plan.

Bitter, and Broken, he died Insane and Penniless of Lung Cancer in 1966, cause he smoked 3 packs of Luckys a day, like all the Docs did back then...

So if you ever go out, get drunk, drive an Oldsmobile into a pond, leave a young girl to drown, whatever you do, Don't Call 9-11, cause you'll end up with a 40 French Garden Hose, I mean, Urinary Catheter, up your crank...

That Ted Kennedy wasn't so dumb afterall...

Fox Sunday Housecall with Isadore Rosenfeld M.D.

Izzy Phoned In this Sunday's Fox Sunday Housecall ...literally.
Supposedly he's Sick, fever, muscle aches, runny nose, clearest case of Opiate Withdrawal, I mean H1N1 I've ever seen...

To Izzy's credit he didn't blame his dealer for shortin him on this weeks China White, cause he DOESN'T have a dealer, Izzy's NOT a drug addict, and even if he was, he'd get his drugs the Good Ole American way, by stealin em'.


And H1N1s infected 22 million Americans so far, killed 3,900, you know, about as many as those piece of shit A-rab terrorists murdered on 9-11, you know, the ones who're gonna get a Civilian Trial in New York, with tax paid public defenders...oh wait, they don't need Public Defenders, cause the ACLU'll get em the best shysters money can buy...

Didn't Barak (Peace be upon Him) ever watch Law and Order??? Those NYC Judges are Pussies, they even let that nut job who shot John Lennon off with a slap on the wrist, I say let Briscoe & Green have 20 minutes alone with KSM and a jagged broom handle, and he'll be beggin for a Quick Death..

Which He Won't Get (I love using dialog from "Resevoir Dogs :)

Or wouldn't get if I was in charge... OK, Barak, here's your free ticket to re-election, do this and you won't have to pardon every single African American Prisoner in October 2012 (and its not like you really need those 938,676(U.S. Department of Justice, 2008) votes anyway, and you know how hard it is to sign 938,676 Pardons???

1: Court Martial all of em, in Gitmo, 15 minutes sounds about right, mine was only 5.....

2: Cut off Ears like they did to that Cop in "Resevoir Dogs", poor gasoline on em, light it, like that Viet Cong Monk they've shown a billion times on The History Chanel

3: Put out fire with approved Extinguisher, but not until every last % of Total Body Surface Area is KFC extra crispy

4: Conduct Enhanced Interrogation until Piece(s) of Shit die

5: Grind remains of terrorists, mix with Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage, feed to remaining terrorists awaiting trial .

Thats what I'd do, if I was President

But thats just Me, and I'm not the President

Hey Shithead, I mean Mr. President, you know that jet that went down in Pennsylvania? It was headed for your house, I mean, the one you live in now, not the one where you lived in Chicago when you used to go to that Black Supremicist Church every Sunday but didn't listen to any of the Sermons,

That House, the White one, 1600, Pennsylvania Avenue.

Jeez, I get pissed when the neighbors dog shits in my yard

But thats just Me